Day 21 of 21: My secret shame

Some of you know my big dream. I want to help bring hypnotherapy into the mainstream. How? By leveraging one of the most powerful forces ever created: a TV show.

I’ve had this dream for many years, to create, produce, and host the TV show. The show would dispel myths, show client sessions, and teach viewers simple emotional management skills for living a happier life.

So, I taught myself the basics of film. I learned about camera angles, lighting, sound, video editing, and all the other skills required to be a one-person crew. When money’s tight, you get creative. And for an amateur, the results were pretty good. I was happy with those five episodes showing a client’s session.

I uploaded those five videos to my YouTube channel, and “Project Hypnosis” was born. My YouTube channel would be where I tested out my ideas, gained a large audience, and then be able to credibly approach a TV production company.

= = = = = The fears = = = = =

But years went by since those first five episodes. Obviously, I had major block in releasing more videos. Over the years, here are a few fears my subconscious mind (SCM, for short) expressed.

SCM: “The TV show is a good idea. But there are many hypnotists more skilled than you, more charismatic than you, just better than you. Let them do it.”

SCM: “What if you get the TV show, and it quickly gets canceled? You’ll have blown a big opportunity to help millions of people. That’d be so embarrassing getting canceled early.”

SCM: “What if the TV show is a hit? You value your privacy. You don’t want people always coming up to when you’re at the grocery store or at a restaurant.”

SCM: “What if you lose Holly as you pursue this idea? Remember when you worked so hard in the finance field? You almost lost her, man. Do you want to risk it?”

SCM: “Who do you think you are to have such a big dream? Other people can dream that big. Not you.”

Though I’d solved many personal and business issues on my own, this one felt too big. So, I did end up working with other practitioners to help me, including people who did energy work, coaching, hypnotherapy, etc.

= = = = = The start of a shift = = = = =

Despite all my self-work and the help I received from others, it wasn’t enough. Externally, no new videos. But internally, I began to have a shift.

And after all that work, my conclusion was this. I felt deep fear, deep shame, big ego.

I felt deep shame that I hadn’t made faster progress. I felt deep fear, that doing this TV show could end badly for me. And my subconscious felt a strong need to protect our big ego.

When I say big ego, I don’t mean it that I thought I was better than everyone else. I mean the opposite. I’m talking my big ego that was terrified of both a hit TV show and a flop TV show. A big ego means it feels the need to protect itself from taking a big scary risk. In many contexts, my ego allowed me take big risks. But not when it came to the TV show.

When did I realize that ego was the root problem? Today, as I worked on this final post of the writing challenge.

= = = = = But then, a lightning bolt! = = = = =

Then inspiration struck. If my subconscious had sabotaged all my attempts at releasing a video, I would release a super simple video without any editing, with poor lighting, no tripod, no real prep. Without me shaving or getting dressed. (Don’t worry, I am wearing casual clothes in the video.)

This video would be one that my subconscious and I could watch together. So, into my handheld smartphone camera, I spoke to my subconscious mind despite not feeling so great. I offered it my hand in support, said we’re in this together. And that we can talk each day. And that this dream is beyond us, it’s not really about us.

And I intend to release the video over the weekend, after the writing challenge is done.

My writing instructor’s theme was to share a secret and possibly tie that into sharing an offer with the reader, why they might want to do business with us.

Well, I have no such offer. I went a different route and chose to share my secret shame. Not the best way to get new clients, but it felt like the right way to write this post, so I’m going with it. These 21 days of writing has been a challenge, but it’s also been one of the best experiences of my life.

And just because I help clients with their issues doesn’t make me immune to setbacks, struggle, and frustration in my own life. My clients and I are equally human. We all have our own set of challenges and our own strengths.

= = = = = Report card, the cycle continues? = = = = =

When I was a kid and brought home a report card with 5 As and 1 B, my mom would always focus on the B. Rarely did I get praise for the 5 high grades.

When it comes to the TV show, I think I’ve allowed myself to focus on what isn’t working, to focus on what’s missing. I haven’t given enough kudos to my subconscious for helping me solve so many other issues.

Well, subconscious. I’m sorry. I will focus more on all the As rather than the single B. Before today, I didn’t fully appreciate how terrified you were of the TV show idea. Now that I know, I’ll do more to listen to you in a way I couldn’t before. And I’ll support you more than I have.

Dear reader, now you know my secret shame. You know how frustrated I’ve been to have an issue drag on for years. I sometimes criticized myself saying, “How could I let this issue drag on for so long?” I’ve felt shame, even though I know that shame only makes it worse. It’s funny, because I’ve let go of shame in so many areas of life. But not in every context, obviously.

Subconscious, I apologize for not showing you enough respect, for bringing shame into the equation. And my subconscious just said, “Thank you. You can release the video when you’re ready. I’m cool with that.”

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